TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from area. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, positive, let us have One more place wherever American Males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply Every person a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is that he need to end working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting consideration from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with Trump Tower Damascus https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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